I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
