why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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