Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
