my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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