someone get that fucking seahorse.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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