I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
