remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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