I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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