my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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