Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Let's paint friendship bongs
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
as a side note pls kill me
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
