I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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