the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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