eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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