Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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