Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
