In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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