We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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