Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
