When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
