She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
