Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
