Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
