Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
