you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
