I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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