he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
