Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
