My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
