The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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