just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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