I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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