dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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