I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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