and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
