My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
