Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
