Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
