So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
