My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
