just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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