I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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