He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
