so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
