Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
