Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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