isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
