I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
