Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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