Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize