I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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