it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize