I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
