Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
