Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
