I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
