where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
