you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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