I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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