whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
