Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
