I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
