no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
