i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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