just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
