So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
please come you make the beer taste better
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
